Skip to main content

Dante's hell...aka phone banking

ring ring

Dead voice: we have a tie up with an insurance company so please waste your phone time and listen us while I drone on

Sultry machine voice....welcome to Big International Bank, please enter your account number followed by hash brown potatoes

me:done

SMV Please enter your date of birth in .... format

me: done

SMV Sorryyyyy I can't recognise your date of birth, please enter your date of birth

me: done

SMV Sorryyyyyyy I can't recognise your DOB

Confused Voice: Sir this is Jane Singh how can I help you

Me: I want a change of address

CV: Please verify your pin number on the phone.

me: done

CV: Oh sorry our system is not working today. Please answer the following questions. 1 what is the specific gravity of hydrogen 2 How was the thrid person to climb Mount Everest 3 What was your mother's vavourite maiden snack 4 What is your overdraft limit

Me: what is an over draft limit?

CV: sir, that's the wrong answer. Please call again

Me: But I need to change my address

CV: Please call again

Me: but I typed in my DOB, your system is not showing it

CV: That is not possible the automated voice doesn't ask for DOB

Me: But it does

CV: It doesn't

Me: It did too

CV: No it doesn't

Me: Ok let me verify my pin

CV: Sir our pin verifying system is down, please call again

Me: But I need to change my address

CV: Sir I can open a term deposit for you for 300 days at 7 per cent

Me: But I need to change my address

CV: sorry please call again

IMAGINE GOING THROUGH THIS SEVEN TIMES IN A DAY. FOR OVER MORE THAN AN HOUR WITH THE PHONE ON SPEAKER PHONE!!!!!

Did this really happen to me? Did I just hallucinate with back ache and fever pills hitting me from all sides? Is this a nightmare?

End of story... I lost my temper and yelled "are you a bank or a cattle shop!"

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The importance of being 'Nyaka'

'Nyaka' is a Bengali term which beats translation. It could mean coy, coquettish, scheming, la di da. There is no one word which captures it. The term is used in a pejorative context and has a sarcastic tone to it. Used a bit more for women than for men. Has a feminine context when used for men.I posed the challenge of translating 'nyaka' into English to fellow Bengalis in Facebook. Here's a sample of the answers that I got.I have removed the names and kept the statuese as is, hope it's not too difficult to read

Bong man 1Coy.....but that does capture the essence
14 December at 14:37 ·

Me
No ...not entirely. A colleague just suggested precocious. Maybe its too intrinsic a Bong trait to be translated :)
14 December at 14:50 ·

Bong woman 1kol-lan, difficult to get a english / hindi word for nyaka.
14 December at 15:11 ·

me
that's the point
14 December at 15:15 ·

Bong woman 2
oh, i think the essence of the word 'nyaka' will be lost in translation. just like gettin…

Philosophising is fine but action is what matters

“The philosophers have only interpreted the world, in various ways. The point, however, is to change it."We were introduced to this quote from Karl Marx by a gentleman named Samit Kar who taught us Marxism in Presidency College. We had a paper on Marxism as a part of our Sociology course designed by the Calcutta University in the mid 1990s. I was not into Marxism, which seemed so anachronistic in the post Berlin Wall fall days, and wasn't too keen on these classes.
However there was no forgetting this line of Marx as Professor Kar would keep repeating it. He was so fond of this line that a friend of mine and I wondered if this is what he told his wife the night he had got married!  I must mention that prof Kar had graciously invited all of us from class to his wedding at a place called Shinghi Park and it was a happy evening. Whether his favourite Marxist quote was a part of what was discussed later that night was not something that we ever found out.

From what I remember, and…

Queue-spreading because its spelling is the least of our problem with queues

Scene 1:

I had gone to pay local taxes at a government office in Bandra a few days back.

I was directed to a table where there was no-one else waiting. I went up to the officer at the desk and submitted our papers. He keyed in the details in to his computer. The results flashed immediately. I gave our cheque, so far so good.

Then the officer pointed out that the cheque was Rs 12 (twelve) more than what was due. We looked at each other and tried to figure out what has to be done. Suddenly an elderly corpulent gentleman came and sidled up and stood beside me. I waited a for a couple of seconds. I thought he might have a question for the officer. I looked at the encroacher. He smiled at me. There was no-one behind me and yet he stood beside me.

I looked at him and said, 'do you mind standing behind me? We are discussing something here.' He smiled at me and said, 'no problem, I will wait.'

I drew my breath and said, 'can you please stand in the queue while we finish.&…